Why

Why is it that I think about my kids in Russia every day - but I haven't blogged about them.


Why can't I find other words than - "the trip was amazing" when people ask.


Why can't I look at my pictures without aching.


Why do I feel like I haven't processed what happened this summer.


Why have I been in a funk/procrastinating/blah/sullen mood.


Why.




I'll tell you why. I've been thinking a lot about it and the only thing I can come up with is I'm a stubborn child. I know that is shocking to everyone who knows me. But it's true. I'm stubborn.


God didn't tell me the answer I wanted to hear so I have been in constant pout mode since I heard his answer. Oh, it comes and goes, and I'm not diving into deep depression or anything, I've just been . .. well for lack of a better word - blah.


I truly, in the depths of my soul, felt that I was called to Russia, and while I'm still praying that way and am open if God ever calls me to go (like bags are packed - I'm there). But during the trip - the answer was no. I think I shared on here before, but since it's been so long, and I can't remember, and I'm too lazy to go check - here's the story.


So leading up to the trip, I had felt called to go to Russia. I had been praying towards it for so long - well about a year. I had people praying for me - people I didn't even know. (just found that out a few weeks ago. - a lady, whom I'd never seen before at church, grabbed me by the arm and told me that she had been praying for me all summer. Crazy and amazing all at the same time :) )


Anyways - fast forward to sitting on the bus on the way to Lopuhinka talking to Olga, our trip "guide/translator". I was sitting there pouring out my heart to her and all that I felt God calling me to - from moving there to work in the baby hospital, to work I'd want to do with the graduates. For about 10 min I rambled on and on - all the while she's looking at me nodding and smiling and then she casually says "Oh no, Americans can't live in Russia". And that was that. End of conversation. I shrugged it off thinking to myself, she doesn't know me and where God is calling me.

That night I'm laying in bed praying for an answer about moving to Russia as a missionary. Asking God for a clear yes or no - a blatant - unmistakable answer.

The next day I start talking to one of our translators, who works in the orphanages on a regular basis, again pouring out my heart to her. And sure enough, about 10 min in she looks at me and says - oh no - "Americans can not come to Russia to live". I think to myself - geesh - did they script out their answers? End of conversation.

Again that night I prayed that God would be VERY clear on where I was supposed to be - yet in the back of my mind I was "secretly" hoping his answer would be yes. (secretly - obviously not to Him)

Very clearly the Lord spoke to me and said - I already gave you My answer - TWICE. If you don't want to listen then I'll stop talking, but you have my answer.

Hmmm. I started thinking about what that could mean, and those two conversations came to my mind. He used people who lived in the country, who worked with my kids, who knew the system to tell me my answer, but because it wasn't the one I was looking for I stopped listening.

It didn't happen right away, and I don't even think it happened while I was gone - but when I got back it really started sinking in. Deep in. To my core - in. To the part in my heart where all my kids are held close and safe. The part where I had hoped I would be able to go back and hold them, love on them, and continue to show them God's love through my arms.

While I was there I guess I didn't let myself think about it. I focused on the task at hand - letting these kids know about the One who brings them hope, the One who loves them unconditionally, the One who sees them and values them when no one else in their life does.

No - it was when I got back that it happened. It slowly crept into every part of my life. I started feeling blah about everything, I didn't want to do anything, I didn't really want to talk to people about my trip. My quiet times eventually began to suffer, as did my prayer times until I was giving God my version of the silent treatment.

I was never in a deep deep depression, I think it was more disappointment. And not even that He didn't give me what I wanted, but that I was so SURE I knew what he was calling me to - apparently not. I started doubting. Not my faith, but my ability to hear God through all my wants and desires. Then it turned into a fear of giving Him anything else in case I lost that too.

Again - reading back over this it sounds like I was having this huge crisis of faith, I wasn't. I. .. I can't really put it into words. I was just having a low time where I needed to pout for a bit and then talk it out with God.

There were many conversations with God on the long drive to work in the morning, once I started talking to him again ;-) where I would start praying, feel myself hold back, and then confess it out that I was scared to trust him with it. I mean, moving to Russia was one of the most important things I had ever prayed for and I was wrong in what I thought he was telling me, why would I want to do that again. But soon I began confessing that fear as soon as it came up and eventually it was no longer an issue any more.

So that's where I'm at after this summer's adventure.

No worse for the wear, and actually on a deeper level with my Lord than I was before I left.

Even this post has taken me some time to write. I started it back in the beginning of September, but I don't think I was ready to finish it then. I am now. (the date is still September - but I finished this 15 October 2010.)

So if you know me, ask me about Russia. Ask me about Dima, and Vagif, and Oksana, and Nikita, and Xena. . .and all the others. Ask me about my favorite parts, ask me about the hardest parts. I'm ready to talk now.

Hopefully this means the desert that has been my blog will begin to revive and blossom. Don't know what it will look like - but surely it will be more than one every other month :)